I thought this might be an appropriate blog to do this week since my taking a huge shit and then having someone else get the full effects thread on Facebook did rather well. So this week I will share with you shit that I did that really shouldn’t be talked about and maybe even some pictures that would embarrass me. Why am I doing this? If you can’t make fun of yourself, then who can you really make fun of?
I give a lot of people a lot of shit. Does it mean my shit doesn’t stink? Of course it doesn’t. While some of you might think I’m an odd chap or just outright stupid there are others of you that love my attitude and my straight forward nature. So instead of pointing out how dumb people are for supporting National Health Care, I am going to give you ammunition to use at me whenever you would like especially if it makes you feel better about yourself.
Before we begin, a brief explanation of how I came to the point where I don’t give a shit what people think of me.
I think it really started in grade school. I distinctly remember back in 7th grade the whole trend of listening to Vanilla Ice and rolling up your pants legs so that your socks were showing. Now I was never a cool kid to begin with and to top the fact off my parents used money like old Jews. They refused to buy Z Cavaricci and IOU Sweatshirts for me or my sisters and instead took us to that familiar Blue Light Special we have all come to know over the years. This meant I wore flannel shirts, button up lumberjack shirts and lots of corduroy pants. I was constantly made fun of for not rolling up my pants legs or not knowing the words to Vanilla Ice and last but not least for making funky sounds walking down the halls with my corduroy pants. I listened to Def Leppard, Black Sabbath and a little AC/DC. I really wasn’t into music too much yet but I dabbled here and there with the Rock and Roll. Back to my funny pants… oh wait… that whole rolling pants thing up went out of style… what is that?… corduroy pants are in now? You fuckers… I was way ahead of the curve but because I didn’t fall into the trends when they were going on I was outcasted.
Moving onto high school. Ahh Wisco… how do I love thee and how do I hate thee. I really should clarify…. the school itself gave me a great education. However, high school I think is what shapes you for years to come. Coming out of grade school I played basketball and although I wasn’t popular there I figured I could make a new name for myself at Wisco. Well, that name I gained for the next 4 years was Cosmo. Back in 1992 there was a McDonalds commercial featuring a kinda fat kid with the spikey hair cut like I had. In fact the kid looked so much like me Maria Tortorice gave me the nickname Cosmo and it stuck. It actually stuck so hard that by my senior year the lower classes would come up to me and ask, “I know your name is Cosmo, but what is your real name?
Anyways… let’s get on with making fun of me and start describing to you my embarrasing moments in my life.
Let’s start out with me at the ripe old age of 6. A few days ago someone asked me when I knew I was different. I told them 6 and they asked why. Well when I was 6 I was masturbating furiously almost daily by climbing poles in my back yard. Up and down, up and down… I don’t know why I was doing it besides the fact I thought it felt good. Was a bit hard to explain to my friends that caught me doing it but hey.. I eventually learned an easier way and a more private way. In 7th grade I was wearing bright orange L.A. Gear shoes. I thought they were cool but apparantly I was wrong.
Next is probably my funniest story… the way I lost my virginity. I was a sophmore in high school and I was still a hard core virgin. Sure.. I saw tits, and kissed a girl but besides my hand I was a virgin. So I met this girl in school that was a freshman.. let’s just call her Easy to keep her real name out of it. So me and Easy were going out for two weeks when on a Friday of some month I can’t remember there was this special event at school. First of all it was hygiene week at school and on this particular day they handed out bottles of Scope and toothbrushes. Also, later that night there was this thing called Mr. Wisco, which is basically where a bunch of people do talent shows or some shit to be crowned ruler of the school… or something like that. Anyways, being the brain child I was at 16 I noticed that in each bottle of scope there was like .01% alchohol and I figured if I drank enough of this I could get buzzed or wasted. I proceeded to use the next 8 class periods to score as much scope as I could. I would get one and just chug it down and then move to the next. Overall, I would have to say I drank about 45 bottles of scope that day and by the end of the day I was buzzed or at least I thought I was because I was acting stupid. So earlier in the day I agreed to take Easy to the Mr. Wisco thing and although I was acting crazy she went with me. I don’t remember much of the show besides I was being an asshole and oh…. Easy asked me if I wanted to get lucky. FUCK YEA!
Now remember this event is at the school and since I was paranoid about getting caught during my first time I did what every normal guy would do… take her in the back of the school in the woods and hammer her. We headed out to the woods and the whole time I was like way nervous but very confident because my breath was WAAAAAY fresh. Anyways, we get to this little spot in the woods that basically is under a tree and surrounded by grass and dirt. She asks me if I am ready which I wasn’t but I didn’t say that. She drops her pants and I drop mine and I lay on top of her and I insert myself and I am rubbing back and forth and thinking the whole time… THIS IS AWESOME! After about I would say 25 seconds she said something that would change my life….
“Want me to help you get it in?”
HOLY SHIT! I had just been pumping away for the last 30 seconds thinking I’m getting my first taste of pussy when I find out that what I was REALLY doing was pumping the grass on the ground and her but crack. HOW THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW.. I NEVER FELT PUSSY BEFORE.. FOR ALL I KNEW UP UNTIL THAT POINT IS THAT BUTTCRACK AND GRASS RUBBING ON MY DICK WAS WHAT PUSSY FELT LIKE.
Anyways… she inserted me and I spent a good solid 10 seconds in before I blew my load on the tree next to me.
Think that’s it… no… it gets worse.
The next day I am freaking out because I’m having some kind of regret for having sex with this girl. So in an attempt to make myself feel better I see Easy in the morning and tell her that we can no longer go out and I dump her. The next day she pulls me aside and says to me… “Justin, I’m pregnant. I don’t know what I’m going to do.” Now although I know what most of you are thinking I was still very young and innocent and had NO idea about women and all that shit. For the rest of the week I was actually crying in school because I was so paranoid about being a father and not listening about using a condom and what would my parents think. At the end of the week I called her up and on the phone I told her that I would need to talk to my parents and tell them about this because I think they should know. She stops me and says “Justin, I went to the doctor to check on the baby and … well.. I had a miscarriage.”
THANK GOD! I mean… oh.. that’s horrible.
It wasn’t till about 3 weeks later I found out that women can’t find out they are pregnant a day after you have sex with them and they can’t have a miscarriage after only a week. That one event would screw me over so much that I couldn’t have sex with the next 2 girlfriends because I was paranoid about pregnancy… which leads me to another story.
My next girlfriend after this one was a nice girl… funny, attractive and as I would find out later .. Bat Shit Crazy. For her sake… let’s just call her Loose. Loose, had a weight problem a year before and you couldn’t tell it when I met her because she was skinny as shit. We hit it off and hung out a few times but it was my first encounter with her bedroom that scared the shit out of me. You see… Loose didn’t ever want to return to being fat so she literally plastered pictures of Fat Naked Women all over her room… I’m serious… scary as shit. Moving forward though.. she was a hornball. She wanted to fuck me so bad but I just denied her because of my past expierence. So lucky for me she just blew me all the time. Unlucky for me is that she didn’t swallow. So to remedy this solution I would cum in a Marlboro box and then toss it. This was great because no mess or anything but bad because I had to smoke a pack a day to have one ready for my load.
So one day as I left my job at Little Ceasars, Loose came and picked me up and we went to our normal spot near the park. She gave me head, I filled the Marlboro box up and tossed it out the window. We sat and talked a bit and I noticed my friends in the mirror. Now back in the day my friends and I actually collected Marlboro Miles. These are the little bar codes on the side of Marlboro boxes….. yea… it happened. My friend comes up to the side of the car and first thing he does is swoop down and grabs my now cummed up Malrboro box and starts peeling the side off of it when my warm seed starts running down his hand. What’s really sad is that this friend of mine is also the receipient of me throwing up in his mouth…. that’s a whole nother story.
Let’s see… real quick ones for you…
I once pooped myself at work because I tripped running to the bathroom and lost control of my anus muscles.
I was caught stealing Cheeze Whiz at the local store.
I used Nair on my balls and ass once.
I was caught having sex with a girlfriend by my father and what really sucked is I stood up and basically just balanced a shirt on my boner to hide the goods.
I was once thrown in a commercial dryer and had it turned on with me in it. After 3 solid rolls in the dryer I came out with little circle burns all over my head.
The list goes on and on but hey… I think I have given you enough to go on.
So there you go. Ask away, make fun of me, laugh at my expense. People…. if you can’t make fun of yourself then who can you make fun of. Learn something here… we all have stories.. we are all the same and although some of us haven’t made love to the ground like I have… it makes me no better then you. Take care people.. here is a pic to end the whole thing off.
Posted in Funny Shit, Life
Tags: Grass Sex, Make Fun Of Me
